Life of the Valentine
by Zeraphic Triomis
Summary: A chapter story, containing loads of random Vincent related stories. I warn you, it's filled with silliness! So, for those who love whacky 'n sillyness, you'll enjoy these!
1. Team Valentine

A/N: Holaz! Yes! I am back to writing! Well, actually… I wouldn't really consider this "writing" (looks around) This was actually based on one of the FF7 doujinshis I found, but I fake translated it and… yeah. These are the results.

I never write these kind of things, but I just wanted to try it out once. (clears throat) In this chapter story, it will consist of chapters that have nothing to do with the previous chapters. Sort of like… a random gag comic book or something. Though, there may be acceptions. (gasp) Yes, if you couldn't tell by the title, it will consist of random Vincent-related randomness. Oh goody! (evil smile)

Welp, hope you enjoy my randomness! I warn you, this and future chapters will have no plot whatsoever. So, prepare thyself!

Disclaimer: FF7 doesn't belong to moi!

**Life of the Valentine  
**Team Valentine

Story One

It was a beautiful hot summer day in the city of Tokyo. All was well… the birds were chirping, the grass was greener, and laughter filled the air. Nothing could have done anything to prevent such a wonderful day from happening.

Until… disaster struck!

A shrill cry for help echoed throughout the downtown area. Soon, more and more screams for help had spread about. What were they screaming about? Why, a gigantic Jenova head, of course! It had decided to take a stroll down the city! Everywhere it went, destruction! Buildings, cars, roads, anything you could think of was destroyed by this… Jenova head! Oh! What could the people do in this situation! Who was willing to fix the problem?

Team Valentine, of course!

Team Valentine was an undercover crime-fighting organization. Their whereabouts were unknown and many people had no idea who they were. They blended in with the crowd quite well. The team consisted of five members, working in separate jobs, trying to keep their identities a secret. (even though… they had no need to)

In no time, Team Valentine quickly fled to the scene, ready to fight crime once again!

Meanwhile, down to where Jenova had stopped to take a nice rest, Cloud and his friends had noticed the big scene. Confused at the moment, Cid commented on the gigantic Jenova head that was no more than one hundred feet ahead of him.

"Dammit, traffic's gonna be such a bother with that thing in the middle of the road!"

The gigantic Jenova head responded with a sigh as she fell into a deep slumber.

Suddenly, Aeris gave out a loud shriek! The friends turned around, only to spot the legendary heroes… Team Valentine!

"Team Valentine is here to save the day!" a team member of Team Valentine cried out. "There is nothing to worry about!"

With a dramatic change of pose, Team Valentine finally revealed itself to the public.

"WE ARE TEAM VALENTINE! PROTECTORS OF E-VILE!"

Everyone expect Cid were absolutely were shocked! Their sudden appearance left them quite speechless. However, Cid only cared about one thing,

"WHAT KIND OF CRAP OUTFITS ARE YOU WEARING!"

GASP! The team members were shocked! No one would have ever cared about the way they dressed! They were indeed wearing the same exact outfits. One of the members lifted his head and responded.

"B-But, our job is to fight crime! Not think about the way we-"

"NONSENSE!" Cid roared. "Super heroes were supposed to have neat outfits! Yours are just crap crap CRAP!"

Team Valentine was shocked by this! What were they to do! With this stuck in their minds, they couldn't find the heart to complete their mission for the day!… to destroy the Jenova head that… was resting at the moment… but was destroying half of the city! Oh! What should Team Valentine do now?

Meanwhile…

Somewhere far away from the scene, Sephiroth was enjoying his nice Sunday paper. Although the page he was looking at was completely blank, he didn't care at all. As a slight sigh escaped from his mouth, Hojo, his godforsaken mad scientist father, had burst through his bedroom doors. He was out of breath and his face was redder than the blazing sun. He grabbed his head and yelled,

"There you are! What the crap are you doing, sitting there like an old oaf!"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes and turned away from Hojo. "I'm not sitting, I'm lying down."

Hojo twitched. "Whatever! Listen! Your mother escaped from my lab, and she's destroying half of the city in a blink of an eye! Please! Go down there and keep her steady!"

"…what did you do to her now?"

"Nothing! Alls I know is that before she escaped, she kept complaining about how she had a bad case of constipation!"

The last word echoed throughout the SOLDIER's ears. He snapped his head to his father and threw his paper to the ground. "Mother… has… WHAT!"

Hojo stepped away from his mad son. "Y-Yes! That's why, I want you to go down there and keep her calm until I can figure this out!"

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes and grabbed his newspaper. "…I want bread."

"GO ALREADY!" Hojo stomped up to Sephiroth and chucked him right out the door. "AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU SET HER STRAIGHT!"

"I ish coming, Mommy!" Sephiroth said down the hall.

Hojo pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "I-I still can't believe he's my son…"

In no time, Sephiroth had made his dramatic appearance downtown. The skies turned a dark red color and flames spread all around. Cloud and the others were quite shocked with Sephiroth's appearance!… more shocked than Team Valentine's appearance!

Cloud stepped back. "WAA! IT'S SEPHIROTH!"

Sephiroth drew out his almighty Masamune and swung it around, like it was no big deal. "Fooshmoogly."

"AHHH! THE HORROR!" Yuffie screamed into Tifa's ear.

"Roar… I'm here to cause destruction to all," Sephiroth started. "But first, I need Mother to take some pills to ease the pain of her constipation. Then, I'm gonna have to ask her to come home with me."

"MOMMY'S WIDDLE SON!" Reeve taunted from behind.

Sephiroth twitched his eye and stuffed his sheath into Reeve's mouth. "SHUT UP! Who cares!… I love my mommy- MOTHER."

Suddenly, a mysterious gust of wind twirled around Sephiroth. He perked his head up high, only to come face-to-face with…

TEAM VALENTINE!

Their, yet another dramatic appearance, sent chills down everyone's spine! Sephiroth stood still, unaware of what awaited his demise. All five members lifted their arms in the air with evil looks on their faces. Sephiroth grabbed his head and crouched down.

"N-No!" he sobbed. "I must save Mommy!"

"HOW…" the team started, "…DO… our outfits look!"

Sephiroth looked up. "Hah?"

Cid stomped over to Team Valentine and whacked them on their heads. "WHAT THE CRAP! Forget about your stupid outfits! Beat the crap out of Sephiroth already!"

One of the Valentine's stood up. "B-But! We needed neat outfits!"

"We never considered ourselves super heroes," another replied.

"But, we love to become one!"

Cid slapped his own face and roared loudly, "NO SUPER HEROES WOULD COSPLAY OTHER SUPER HEROES!"

"WAAAHH! BUT I LOVE BATMAN!" one cried from behind.

"AND SUPERMAN!"

"SPIDERMAN!"

"THE HULK!"

"AND WONDERWOMAN!"

Silence.

…silence.

…yes, all was silent.

And everyone had forgotten about why they were there in the first place.

As for Jenova… her constipation had been relieved… the hard way.

* * *

A/N: End of Story 1! Bwaha! How'd you think? I told you it was random. So… out of characterness. (shudder) But, that's okay. Remember, I would try anything for once. (nervous smile) Hope you enjoyed and please tell me how you thought of it! 


	2. Ordinary Day

A/N: Welcome to Story numero… uh… Two! Hehe, didja enjoy Story One? I hope you did! AND, I hope you'll enjoy this randomness as well! It's much longer so you'll have more chances of making your lungs explode! BOO-HA!

Hmm.. maybe I should change the summary of this chapter story. Of course, it will consist of Vincent gag stories… but I wanna make gag stories for the other characters as well. (ponder) Well, I'll think about it! 'sides… I love the name of this chapter story. (falls over) It doesn't make sense, but oh well! (dances)

Disclaimer: FF7 doesn't belong to moi… but… uh… Chocobo Charlie does. Hehehe.

**Life of the Valentine**  
Story Two

Ordinary Day

"Today is such a perfect day to go picnicking!" Cid screamed into Vincent's ear.

It was only five in the morning… and Cid had already planned out a picnic? Who does that! Vincent grumbled in his sleep and twirled onto his stomach. He did not bother to answer, as Cid had long been drowned in his "wonderfulness" of "picnicness". The pilot had been hyper since twelve in the morning. How Vincent made it through the night was indeed a mystery.

Three more hours had rolled by, and everyone was wide-awake. Thanks to Cid, everyone had the sudden urge to go picnicking! All except Vincent, who was now half-asleep in his cereal.

Cloud whacked Vincent's back hard, making the gunman suck milk up his nose. The swordsman twirled around and chucked a picnic basket to his friend.

"C'mon, c'mon! I wanna do the picnic!"

"Fwaaa…?"

Cloud laughed. "Of course not! It's such a wonderful day! Haven't you been listening to Cid? Where have you been, silly!" Before leaving, Cloud shoved another picnic basket into his friend's face. "Pack up the peanut butter and jelly sammiches!"

Just then, Yuffie skipped into the kitchen, holding a bag of Materia! Its bright glow illuminated the whole kitchen, causing all the pots and pans to cast such bright rays around the room. Barret, unaware of what was happening, entered the kitchen, only to find himself blinded by some unknown force.

"GAAH! I'M BLIND! CALL A CHIROPRACTOR!"

Yuffie stuck her tongue out and hid the blinding lights inside her pocket. "Shut up, Barret! You're the only one that's complaining!… and a chiropractor is someone who helps your BACK! You need a botanist!"

Barret nodded in agreement, then continued his agonizing pain. "GAH! I NEED A BOTANIST!"

"SHUT UP!" Cid roared. "I WANNA HAVE A PICNIC, AND NEITHER OF YOU GUYS ARE HELPING ME!"

"Picnic!" Yuffie cheered. "Oh, oh! But first… I need to gather up all my Materia!"

"Why the crap do you need frickin' Materia for?"

"BECAUSE!… they're SPECIAL," with that said, the ninja leapt into the air, and crashed through the roof. An ear-piercing cry echoed from above.

"AHH! A GIRL SPRANG OUT FROM THE TOILET!" Tifa screamed.

Cid shook his head in disappointment. Suddenly, something popped into his head at that moment. He turned to his friends, (including Tifa, who had toilet paper stuck in her pants) with a really pissed-looking face on, and finally said.

"Why do you think Yuffie obsesses over them Materia all the time?"

Barret lifted his arm, almost hitting the ceiling. "To donate to charity?"

Cid threw an empty bottle of beer at Barret's head. "SHUT UP, YOU! I think… there's something we don't know about them Materia…"

"Cid," Cloud sighed. "It's a ball with magical powers."

"…so're yours, but you don't see me complainin'."

Cloud made a face at that.

Tifa reached inside her pocket and pulled out her shiny Materia. "You know what? Maybe Cid is right…"

Long and awkward pause…

Without realizing it, Tifa thrust toward Cid and quickly stuffed the Materia into his mouth. Cid, who was now making odd noises through his mouth, began to suck on the magic orb. He paused and continued sucking.

"Hey…" he said as he removed the orb from his mouth. "…this thing… tastes really good!"

Everyone's mouths dropped to the floor.

"WHAT!"

Everyone reached into their pockets and pulled out different Materia. Cloud took out his summon Materia and licked it around.

"Wow! All these years… Materia can be indeed edible!"

"Yeah!" Tifa agreed. "Mine tastes minty!"

"Cherry!"

"…lemon?" Barret stuck his tongue out.

Cid waved his wet Materia around. "Blue the frickin' berry!"

"HEY! I WANT SOME OF THAT!" Tifa screeched into his ear.

Cloud shoved Barret over. "ME TOO!"

"HEY! NO FAIR!"

"HEY! BLUE THE FRICKIN' BERRY IS MIIIINNEE!"

Then, the fight ensued. A huge cloud of dust suddenly covered over the fighting… Materia… eating… people, unaware that Yuffie had finally returned…through the floor. She tilted her head around then cleared her throat, making the fighting Materia-eating people freeze in midair.

"Uh… what're you-" a loud gasp escaped from her mouth. "AHH! WHY'RE YOU EATING MY PRECIOUS MATERIA!"

"…GIMME MATERIA!" everyone roared in unison, thus, beginning the fight once more.

A few minutes later, Vincent, who had finished making the… "peanut butter and jelly sammiches", entered the kitchen. He blinked a few times, noticing that the roof, the floor, and the walls were nothing more than… dust. The refrigerator had exploded and everyone was caught on fire. However, everyone was now unconscious with Materia stuck inside their mouths. Vincent turned around and marched out the front door.

"…yes, today is such a lovely day for a picnic…"

As the day went on, Vincent enjoyed a lovely picnic near a pond… alone. He took a sip of his green tea and let out a sigh of relief. He rested his back against a tree trunk and watched the white clouds float by. The sun revealed itself through the clouds as the robins and blue jays sang in unison. Vincent sipped his green tea once more and finally said,

"Ah… a day like this comes so rarely. It's such a lovely-"

Thunder cued off in the distance. The white clouds had quickly changed into dark and devilish-looking clouds. A strong gust of wind blew Vincent's picnic food into his face. He stood up and made a face at the sky.

"…stooooopid."

His trip home, however, wasn't as bad as getting peanut butter stuck inside your nose. Vincent slammed the front door open and dragged his soaked cape through the living room. He entered the kitchen without a sound. The kitchen had magically returned to normal. The walls, the ceiling, the floor, and the refrigerator were back to normal. Except… the fact that everyone was still caught on fire. Must have been strong will power or something. Vincent just shrugged it off and headed upstairs to the bathroom.

But, before he could move, Cid grabbed his shoulder and twirled his friend around. Vincent blinked in confusion as Cid puffed out a smoke from his mouth.

"Where the crap were you?"

Vincent blinked again. "…out for a picnic."

"What the crap! Why do that when you KNOW that it's gonna rain for forty days and forty nights!"

"…whoopsies."

"Crap that!" he paused. "Oh yeah, can you help with the bathroom upstairs? Barret had a massive case of diarrhea, and the toilet's-"

Vincent stuck his soggy cape into the pilot's mouth. "Forget it. Besides, you had the chance to do such an important job," he paused then turned around. "You… _do_ like important jobs… right?"

Cid's eyes grew huge at that. He took out his mop and swung it around. "I LIKE DOING IMPORTANT THINGS!"

"Well then… GO! Go save Timmy from the well!"

"RAWR!" Cid leapt into the air, and hit his head really hard on the ceiling. He groaned and stormed away, mumbling, 'how the crap did Yuffie do it…?'.

Vincent sighed and decided to wait in the living room. There, he spotted a bowl of candy sitting on top of the coffee table. His eyes shimmered with glee. Vincent had secretly loved candy, but wouldn't dare show to it anyone. He cautiously maneuvered through the living room, avoiding non-existent lasers and obstacles. Finally, he made it to the candy bowl! After one look around, he leaned forward and…

"YAHOO!"

The secret-agent-gunman-Vincent gasped loudly and quickly hid underneath the table. Yuffie skipped through the living room, holding two bowls of Materia and candy. She hopped on top of the table and danced around for a little bit.

"Candy and Materia for meeee!" she hummed. Suddenly, she stopped in midair, noticing that the bowl before her… was not her beloved Materia! "WAAZZAATT? This isn't my Materia!" she quickly pulled the candy bowl away and pushed over some of her Materia. After taking a short second for some dancing, she disappeared in thin air.

…

Vincent's head peeked from the bottom of the table. He crawled out and, taking a VERY good look around, reached over to the bowl and snatched a "candy" out. He opened his mouth and popped the "candy" into his mouth. However, it wouldn't go through all the way. He paused for a few seconds then…

…HE WENT INSANE!

He waved his arms around, knocking over vases, antiques, and other fragile items in the living area. "MPFH! MPFFFFF!" he mumbled as huge tears dripped down his face.

Just then, Cid made an appearance! "What the crap! I heard distress signals coming from… THIS AREA!" After making a random pose, he turned to Vincent who had big sad eyes.

Cid paused.

"…WHAT THE FRICK ARE YOU TRYING TO EAT?"

Finally calming down, Cid leaned forward and examined the "candy". He swiveled around Vincent who seemed a little awkward at the moment. The pilot grabbed the "candy" and tried to pull it out. But, no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't budge! This was making Cid really really ANGRY!

"STUPID GODSHIT ASS!"

And, in one swoop, Cid accidentally threw Vincent right over his shoulder! Without noticing, Cid swung his head side-to-side, wondering where Vin disappeared to. Finally, he turned and found poor Vincent stuck inside the wall… unconscious.

Cid rubbed the back of his head. "…whoopsies."

"Mppffhhgg…" Vincent responded.

Loud footsteps suddenly echoed through the hallway. With each passing second, the noise had gotten louder and louder! Cid and Vincent, who miraculously woken up two seconds ago, turned around. Yuffie stomped towards the living area, sinking her feet into the floor. She stretched her arms out as far as she could, and yelled,

"I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMEEEENNTT!" The ninja jumped on top of the table and pointed at the confused boys. "As of today, I am known as the Princess of Destruction!"

Cid stuck his tongue out at that. "We know that, ya brat!"

'S-She cracked the floor…' Vincent thought to himself as he examined the damaged floor.

Yuffie continued. "So! If you do anything that'll piss me off… I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!"

Cid was not worried about that at all. However, Vincent was… quite worried.

With that said, a mysterious gray smoke appeared out of nowhere, covering Yuffie. Moments later, she disappeared!

The two boys remained silent.

"…weelp…" Cid started. "…Good luck! I hope you don't choke to death!"

Before he could leave, Vincent quickly grabbed a hold of his sleeve. Cid turned around, only to come face-to-face with a sweet-looking face of an innocent child that was Vincent. (Awww) He sniffed several times, making Cid blush for a mere second. He shook his head and sighed.

"Fiiine… I guess I'll help you…"

Vincent smiled and nodded his head. He turned around and slapped himself on the forehead. 'Shit… I used the face…'

Meanwhile, Cloud had entered the house. He headed toward his room and slowly closed the door behind him. He let out a loud sigh as he placed a large bag down out in front. He turned it over as heavy metal clunked to the ground. Cloud threw the bag over his shoulder, and contined his work.

"This one is… sixty…" he mumbled for a while. "…ninety-nine… one hundred."

He paused.

"…I think I bought too many swords."

"CLOUD!"

Just THEN. Cloud's bedroom door flung right open, smashing into the wall behind it. Cloud's hair spiked up as he quickly turned around. Cid shook his leader's shoulders and pointed his shaking finger out the door.

"Holy CRAP! Cloud! We have a frickin' situation!"

Cloud lifted an eyebrow then gasped. "It's Barret, isn't it? Gah! Not again! He should really learn how to flush correctly!"

"…N-No, you moron! Follow me!"

Cid grabbed Cloud's hand and dragged him out of the room. Soon, he rushed towards the living area, accidentally smacking Cloud against the wall next to him. The pilot pointed at Vincent who was busy watching a Chocobo related cartoon.

"RIGHT THERE, MISTER!" Cid roared.

The swordsman blinked and hovered his eyes towards Vincent. Vincent lifted an eyebrow and sucked the drool about to roll down the "candy". Cloud's eyebrows skyrocketed at that.

"Hey, Vincent! I didn't know you liked watching Chocobo Charlie!"

"GAH!" Cid punched Cloud's head. "THERE'S SOMETHING STUCK IN HIS FRICKIN' MOUTH!"

"Hmmm…" Cloud examined Vincent's mouth for a while.

He grabbed the "candy" ever so gently, and easily pulled it right out of his mouth! Mysterious lights above shined down on Cloud as he lifted the "candy" up towards the sky. (ceiling, actually.) Cid's mouth literally dropped to the ground at that.

"…WAHGUH?"

Cloud patted the "candy" gently. "You must treat the Materia with care!"

Vincent gasped at that.

"What's the matter, Vincent?" Cloud asked.

"…t-that was… Materia?"

Cid, who was still confused, responded with a simple, "…ha?"

"Y-Yeah, Vincent. You… didn't know?"

Vincent fell to his knees and covered his mouth with his fists. "B-But it tasted so good…"

"…stooopid," Cid taunted in the back.

"MATERIA!"

Smoke filled the air. Yuffie leapt out of the smoke and snatched her beloved Materia away from Cloud.

"NO! You can't eat my precious Materia anymore! You made me very very angry today!"

Cid smirked. "H'oh yeah? And whatcha gonna do about it, 'Princess of Destruction'?"

Yuffie's eyes turned a bright red. She spread her arms out as a bright glow illuminated the whole room.

Several moments later, the whole house exploded, leaving no traces of life whatsoever.

And… yeah… even the Princess of Destruction exploded with it. Kind of sad… knowing that your own powers could defeat you as well. (R.I.P.)

As for that beloved picnic…

Thunder continued to roar about in the back. The fierce storm hadn't died down for a mere second. Sephiroth placed his picnic items on the ground and took a deep breath.

"Ah… a perfect day for a picnic…"

* * *

A/N: End of Story Two!… oh my goodness. This was soo silly.. (falls over) This is actually two stories merged into one! Yes! I made them into comics. And… I never even realized that they could be related in so many ways. (lights shine from above) Except the Sephiroth part was based on a picture I made one day. Yes… his own version of a lovely picnic. (sweatdrop) I thought it was cute. Maybe I'll show it to you guys some day. Anyways! I hope you enjoyed and please tell me how you thought of it! 


	3. The Legendary Hero Part 1

A/N: Heyouz! Sorry this took forever! BUT! I finally came up with someone! Actually, this was made a long time ago. I was just lazy to make it into a story. This is based on pictures I used to put captions in. Hehe. Hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me! NO! Don't stick that lobster at me young… young… citizen…

**Life of the Valentine**  
Story Three

The Legendary Hero (Part 1)  


Morning arrives. You wake up in the morning, feeling safe and secure… when in reality, there's evil among us (evil can indeed be inside that box of Lucky Charms you had that morning…) But! Fear not, for there are people to prevent such evil from spreading throughout the world.

Four brave hero's set off on the journey of their lives… on a mission to save what used to be their 'normal' lives.

Meet:

Vincent Valentine, current agent for ShinRa… top gunman in the whole building.

Lucrecia… whatever. Another agent working for ShinRa. However, the only important job she has at the moment is handing free donuts to everyone in the building.

Sephiroth… something something. Next top gunman in the whole building. His past is unknown, however, he is known for being the most on-task person.

And finally, Vincent Valentine… he's th- wait… there's two of them? No… one's got shorter hair. Uh… we'll call this one… Mr. V.

…the most unlikely group ever to be placed in the same building are to overcome the biggest obstacle of all… something REALLY BIG. (it's so big, I think I just peed my pants…)

Morning finally arrived. Our hero's began their day with a big cup of coffee and free donuts from Lucrecia (who was now halfway around the building at that time…) President ShinRa, our hero's boss, had just sent their mission via Vincent's laptop. After stuffing what appeared to be five donuts down his pants pockets, he activated the internet and awaited the god of all voices to answer. It was the most well known voice ever to be known when something new arrived just for you. The two other members leaned forward with anxious expressions planted on their faces. Mr. V's face was practically soaked with sweat and his hands were shaking his coffee cup. He held it close to his chest, breathing heavily. Sephiroth had an expression an England guard would have. No sign of expression whatsoever. Vincent Valentine, however, had the face of a very anxious five-year-old. His feet wouldn't stop fidgeting around… which caused a mini earthquake throughout the whole building. Passersby turned their heads in confusion, wondering if this was the end of the world as they knew it.

And at long last… the god of all voices… had finally spoken.

"You've got mail!"

The three ShinRa agents hopped around their office screaming like schoolgirls, even Sephiroth showed the occasional fan-girl screech. After a few seconds, Vincent and his colleagues calmed down and finally checked the new mail he just received. Once he opened it, a map of the whole ShinRa came flying through the computer screen, knocking Vincent, Mr. V (whose coffee went flying into a random guy in the office), and Sephiroth hard on their bottoms.

"Thank you for choosing Geico!" the god of all voices said before the laptop suddenly exploded. The three agents blinked then gave each other confusing looks.

"What the heck was that!" Sephiroth blurted out as he rubbed his tush. He stared at the map that came flying out of nowhere and tilted his head. "Oh my god! That's!"

Mr. V stood up and examined the map as he pushed some of his hair away from his eyes. "It… IT'S-"

"A MAP OF WINKY LAND!" Sephiroth shouted with glee. His friends blinked at him then shifted their heads to the map. It was indeed a map of Winky Land. Its colorful illustration of animals dancing along the margins of the paper map was quite noticeable. Vincent tilted his head then finally turned the paper over. _Now_ it showed the map of the ShinRa building. He glared at it then turned it around (since it was upside down). He pointed at a red line on the map and followed it with his finger towards the other side of the map. He poked it several times and finally said,

"Alright, you guys! Ya'see this straight red line? Yeah, we're supposed to follow that!"

Sephiroth leaned closer and gasped. "Oh, we are? Hm. I thought Lucrecia rubbed her lipstick on the map again."

"…"

"Fag," Mr. V muttered under his breath.

"Well," Vincent finally said, picking up his neat-looking black sunglasses from under the table. "Let's get to work."

And so, they were off! The three top agents of ShinRa headed out of the office (with their neat sunglasses and now holding guns in their hands) and turned a sharp turn to the right, barely crashing into a dude holding a bazooka. They arrived at their destination and froze where they stood. Turning their heads in a dramatic way, their guns suddenly drew out from their pockets and shot in random directions.

Mr. V shot his gun out in front, looking cool as ever. "Fag," he muttered again to himself, shooting a random guy by accident.

"ARGH!" the guy screamed down the hallway.

Sephiroth turned to his right and shot several times, shooting at the random guy again. "I AM ARNOLD SCHWARTZERMABOB!" Sephiroth yelled at the man. ("GUH" the man responded, clutching his side in pain.)

Vincent stared at the man who was now down to the ground. His pleading cries seemed to make him shudder. What was this feeling he was experiencing now? Could it be that his remorse for the poor defenseless man seemed more… pure than his colleages?

He froze.

BANG.

"…weasel," Vincent said as he withdrew his gun back into his pocket. He turned to his friends who stared at him over their cool sunglasses. "What?" he said to them. "This building's crawling with them nowadays."

"Yeah," Sephiroth retorted. "The ShinRa should really take them back to the forest instead of letting us kill them everyday."

Everyone nodded in agreement and sat on the ground, which was filled with fresh dark red blood. Vincent pulled out three bottles of water and handed them to his friends. They leaned back.

"Thanks, ya fag," Mr. V finally said, waving his foot in the air.

Sephiroth nodded. "Yeah, thanks," he paused for a while then asked Vincent, "Say, where'd you get these anyway? I didn't see any vending machines or anything…"

Vincent sat up at that. "Oh. Remember when I was supposed to be on guard duty in front of that bathroom that just exploded? (apparently, someone let off some fireworks inside the toilet and a guy sat on the seat… ready to take a dump… when…) Well, I went inside to investigate and found these lying on the ground. H'oh man… you should have seen the place. Everything was covered in poo and yellow stuff and… used toilet paper. It was quite a sight. So, I said to myself, 'Hm… why waste three good bottles of water… when I can share them with my friends?' so… I took them and well, here they are."

Silence fell for a few minutes.

"BOTTOMS UP!" everyone responded in unison as they happily drank their bottles of water.

As the day went on, the three have been doing nothing but sit around eating junk food. However, Vincent seemed to be interested in his cellphone. He stood up and leaned against the wall far from his colleagues. He flipped it open and made an odd-looking face that resembled a gorilla sucking on a melon. Apparently, he received a message that had nothing but English letters on it and, seeing that he's pure Japanese, couldn't read them. He began sounding out the alien letters like he was some kind of first grader learning a new big word.

"Ba…toe…reez? Bah…tu…reeks? Boh…ta…recess peanut butter cups?"

Meanwhile, Mr. V and Sephiroth were busy studying the appearance of their favorite snack, Shrimp Crackers (Sephiroth calls them ear plugs 'cause they look like one…). He lifted one in the air and gasped loudly.

"Hey! This one looks like my mother! See how it resemb- wait," he turned the earplug around. "… oh… now it looks like mother with a mullet!" Sephiroth snickered then stuffed the plug down his mouth.

"Gee, Sephiroth. These taste… FAGLICIOUS!" Mr. V said as he nibbled the edges on one of the crackers. "Where'd you get these?"

"Oh, I found them deep in my pants," he patted his pants at that. "Nyup. I forgot that I put them there a month ago. Wow, why haven't I realized it sooner?" Suddenly, he shifted around to where Vincent was still playing around with his phone. ("Bay-ter-rye?") Sephiroth gazed at his bag of earplugs and scooted closer to Vincent. He reached for the bag… (jaw music plays in the back) then brought his arm (holding the bag) to Vincent.

"Ba-to-" before Vincent could finish, Sephiroth interrupted with a voice so loud, it could be heard half way around the whole building.

"Saaayyyeee… want some of my…. SHRIMP CRACKERS?"

A few minutes later, Vincent, accompanied by Lucrecia who finally finished her rounds around the building, sat down in a circle and ate their "faglicious" shrimp crackers. Sephiroth, who didn't realize Lucrecia arrived stared at her blankly, then finally said to her,

"HEY… YOU'RE… YOU'RE A GIRL!"

"…wa-" was all Lucrecia said to him.

A cloud of white smoke suddenly appeared, covering Lucrecia head to foot. In just a matter of seconds, she disappeared. Sephiroth gasped and looked around.

"…SHE TOOK MY EAR PLUGS!"

This was the final straw. No one… but… NO ONE… would DARE take away Sephiroth's shrimp crackers… not even… the president of Gwacalombius! Sephiroth stood up, holding what seemed to be a silver briefcase. His name was carved around the handle and the seal of the ShinRa was also carved on the side of the briefcase. He swung it around, whacking Mr. V in the face and sending him flying into Vincent who flew into another random person who flew into the wall (thus ending the cycle in a sad way). A new mission had finally been decided…

OPERATION: FIND THE SHRIMP CRACKERS BEFORE BED TIME.

No… this was more than just a simple mission. No… this… was the start of a new world war.

Sephiroth stood underneath a blazing spotlight and turned around in the most dramatic way possible.

"I… forgot to tape Pokemon again…"

This… is just the beginning.

TO BE CONTINUED…

* * *

A/N: End of Story Three! Yep! You heard right! TO BE CONTINUED! (gasp) "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, SENSEI?" Well… it means… uh… to be… continued. "WOW! YOU'RE AMAZING." (cough) Anyway! I hope you enjoyed and please tell me how you thought of it! 


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